Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Oblivious Shopper

CAUTION: The post below is a little bit of ranting, a tad bit of raving, and a tiny bit of hostile aggression. Read at your own risk. (Sarcasm intended).

I don't know about you, but I hate shopping . . . yes, I'm a girl that hates shopping. We do exist! There are many reasons why I don't like this national female high-inducing pasttime. When it comes to clothes, I get depressed because I feel fat in everything, and nothing fits that perfectly because I don't have a perfectly proportioned body. When it comes to household items, I feel hassled. It's really just a chore, not a recreation. And when it comes to gifts, I find myself wandering around for that elusive, outstanding and most glorious present that just never seems to materialize. That's why I do basically all my gift shopping online. Plus, I can find thousands more things online than I ever could in stores, at least without having to hop around to a dozen or more.

The biggest reason that I hate shopping, however, is . . . the PEOPLE. I hate crowds. I hate chaos. Let me put it bluntly: if you laid a hammer in front of me and told me to choose between smashing my own fingers and going for a stroll through the mall with a bunch of teenage girls talking on their cell phones . . . I'm going to have to say goodbye to some digits. My problem is that I have a larger required radius of personal space than apparently does the average person. I find my magic circle of comfort being irreverently invaded every other minute.
Take for instance, the other day when I was in the checkout line at Wal-Mart. I was waiting on a couple people in front of me, and another couple people got in line behind me. No big deal. But then one of them, a teenage girl, crept up behind me, stomping through my personal barricade, nearly able to create breath on the back of my neck. Okay, now big deal. As my husband can tell you, this sets me off. I roll my eyes, somehow hoping that a small lift of the eyebrow will bring me peace and tranquility once again. I usually sigh heavily and mumble to myself, knowing all the while that I'm too chicken to actually say anything to any of them. In my head, I have all of these wonderful obscenities that I dream of using. But, I know I never will.

The other problem that I constantly have is the shopper that's always nonchalantly strolling through the middles of the aisles, stopping in the middles of the aisles, and then not moving when you come along looking to quite obviously attempt to pass. HELLOOOOO!!!! 2 + 2 = MOVE! The other day, during the same shopping trip at Wal-Mart I turned to enter a new aisle and immediately stopped when I saw that on the left side were two women with a cart, stopped, and talking to a man with a cart on the right, also stopped. Unfortunately aisles were not built for the width of three carts, and there were no go-go-Gadget wheels for me to trigger so that I could send my cart off rolling high above their's. I stopped and waited for one of them to move. I was three feet away and right at the end of the aisle. No movement. Okay, I'll give them a few seconds, no need to rush. Chitter, chatter . . . no movement. Uhhh, dude, I'm right in front of you, not moving! Hello?! Seriously, 30 seconds later, the guy on the right finally moved, sort of. Well gee, thanks very much. Hope I didn't put you out!

Oh, and the kicker is that when I passed by them, the younger girl said to the guy, "So, what's your name again? Oh, well call me sometime okay!" I guess the aisle was blocked due to a pick-up in-the-making. Look, I know you're trying to flirt and everything, but that doesn't mean that you get to be oblivious to the rest of the world. Maybe next time I shop I'll try out these tricks and see how they like it.

Oblivious shoppers . . . my biggest pet peeve! I always stress myself out when I shop because I'm going about it as if I'm implementing a football play strategy, always planning out my moves twenty steps ahead. I'm literally trying to strategize my movements to avoid running into people, because they obviously are not paying any attention to whether or not they are going to bump into me. I often still do run into people. I did the other day, and I always smile and say I'm sorry or excuse me. I try to always make eye contact with the person to make sure that they know I mean what I'm saying. The sad thing is, so many of them don't even respond with a look, let along a word or two. The other day several people looked at me as if I had just insulted them. Weeeellll, didn't know I was the only one at fault here! Guess I should have shuffled aside and bowed until they passed to offer my deepest gratitude for gracing me with their presence.

Ughhh, I really need to stop caring about these people. I let myself get too frustrated with them. It's difficult for me because I am overly self-aware, and they are so . . . not. I just don't understand people like that. It's foreign and doesn't compute in my system. It's like trying to translate colors into numbers; it just doesn't work. Hopefully you are not one of those oblivious shoppers. I'm sure most of them are decent people. But if you are, watch out, because I just may . . . scurry out of your way and roll my eyes in your general direction! :)



1 comment:

  1. I was thinking of Erma Bombeck's escapades in this writing. Funny! (I still like shopping in spite of the obstacles)!

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